Make the Gettysburg Address Great Again

On Saturday October 22^nd Donald Trump sought to link his candidacy for President of the United States with the greatest President and the greatest speech in American history. This attempt revealed that the only thing great about Donald Trump is his hubris. On the hallowed ground of Gettysburg he gave the second Gettysburg Address. Is it greater than President Lincoln’s? You be the judge.

Four score and seven women came forth in this once great nation to denounce with vicious lies the humble man you see before you. This nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that I alone, the Amazing Trump, can make America great again.

Now I am engaged in a great war with these horrible liars and the very corrupt media that spread their stories of sexual groping, which they claim corroborate my own boasts. Wrong! This nation cannot long endure the low-energy losers and very unattractive women who want to put Crooked Hillary in the White House. We are met on a great battlefield and I dedicate a portion of that field to filing lawsuits against these nasty women and anyone else who says mean things about me. It is altogether fitting and proper that I should do this, believe me.

But in a larger sense I cannot dedicate, cannot hallow this campaign beyond what my Basket of Deplorables have already done, far beyond Hillary’s poor power to add or detract. The world must take note and long remember what I say here. Lock her up!

It is for me alone to fix what our very weak and ineffective forefathers have so ignobly failed to advance. Let me demand from you, the American people, the last full measure of devotion to me, the Amazing Trump. Bigly resolve that this movement not be in vain; that the nation shall have a new birth of Trumpism; and that government of Trump, by Putin, and for Trump shall not perish from the earth.